Lost son because of rift with daughter-in-law
A new study from the University of Cambridge, the Stand Alone Institute for Family and Organization Studies, has found that rifts between in-laws and daughters-in-law are the most common reason for extended family breakdown.
The study, based on responses from more than 800 men and women in the UK, all had little or no contact with members of their families. It found that discord between parents and sons was a third more persistent than between parents and daughters. The most common rifts between parents and daughters were mental health problems and emotional abuse.
But the most common issues that cause parents and sons to separate are related to divorce, the relationship with the daughter-in-law and the child's marital status.
The most common problems that cause parents and sons to separate are related to divorce and the relationship with the daughter-in-law. Illustrative photo
One study participant wrote: "My son and I have had a deeply loving relationship for 25 years. Once he met his wife, our relationship began to change. Everyone we knew, including friends and family, noticed and felt this. My son has turned his back on everyone who didn't like his wife."
In the past, the rift between parents and children often occurred because the parents rejected their blood, especially when the children went astray and married the wrong person. Nowadays, it seems that the reversal is more common - children cut off contact and become cold towards their parents. So what has changed?
As we get married later, our parents are less likely to tell us who to marry. It is often easier to get a 25-year-old to obey than a 35-year-old.
But there are other factors at play. Marriage is becoming increasingly detached from family and community. There are fewer and fewer economic alliances between families or arranged marriages. Instead, there are more and more love marriages, and when that happens, the only thing that matters is whether the two people truly love each other.
Cases of parent-child relationships becoming distant happen more often with sons, as many people confide that their son is still their son until he gets married, but their daughter will be their child for life.
What mothers-in-law should not do to their daughters-in-law to avoid family breakdown
Family Today expert Amberlee Lovell offers this advice to mothers-in-law:
Do not interfere with the daughter-in-law's child-rearing
The most basic reason is that the daughter-in-law is the mother of the child, while the mother-in-law is not. As a mother-in-law, you may not agree with the way your daughter-in-law raises her child, but you need to understand that the young couple is the first and most important person responsible for raising their grandchild.
Do not criticize your daughter-in-law to your son
In essence, a marriage is a relationship between your son and another girl and the mother-in-law has no role in it. Talking bad about your daughter-in-law to her husband will only damage their marriage. Instead of criticizing your daughter-in-law, your mother-in-law should find the good in her and nurture that good.
Mothers-in-law should not suddenly appear at their son's doorstep and assume that they will be welcomed by their son and his wife. Illustration photo
Never say, "Why don't you try this?"
Just like your son, your daughter-in-law has the right to "make mistakes" and you should accept that. After all, learning through experience and failure is the best way to learn.
Never "complain" about family time
According to Amberlee Lovell: "It's natural for a mother-in-law to want to spend more time with her children and grandchildren, but she should never visit on a whim or complain about how much time her son spends with her."
Don't expect your son to "put his mother first"
Now your son has his own family and that will be his top priority. Maybe the mother will feel uncomfortable because she is no longer the number 1 woman in her son's life. However, you should learn to accept this reality.
In addition, the mother-in-law should absolutely not force her son to choose between her and his wife.
Never object to your son's choice of wife
A mother should respect her son’s decision to marry. She may not agree with it, but the final decision is still his.
Don't force your children to live near you.
A mother-in-law should not make this decision for her children. Everyone understands that a mother wants to be close to her children, but you should also understand that your children’s family needs to have their own lives.
Don't expect your daughter-in-law to visit often.
A meeting should only take place if both parties wish for it. A mother-in-law should not just expect her daughter-in-law to visit without making an effort to visit her own children.
Let us know in advance if you want to visit your child.
Mothers-in-law should not suddenly appear at their son’s doorstep and assume that they will be welcomed. If a mother-in-law intends to visit you and your husband, she should inform you in advance, unless she happens to be passing by. This is especially important if your family is in a situation where it is not convenient to receive outsiders.
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