“Until now, the childhood guilt still haunts me…”

Recently, Dao To Loan's name has been mentioned frequently in major music programs. People affectionately call her "the leading opera singer". However, many people still think that she cannot sing Vietnamese music. What do you think about this?

- My goal is to be recognized by everyone as a Vietnamese singer singing Vietnamese music. I love the country and the people of Vietnam. Therefore, in the past, despite many attractive invitations abroad, I still insisted on returning to Vietnam to work and not stay. If I could not sing Vietnamese music, I would never have followed this path until today.

In the past, before studying at the Vietnam National Academy of Music, I sang Vietnamese songs to earn money. I sang all genres, from pop music, lyrical music to folk music... Luckily, after winning the first prize in the Chamber Music category of the Sao Mai competition (also known as the National Television Singing Festival) in 2011, I received a scholarship to study advanced vocal music in Germany.

Learning opera requires a lot of practice and takes a lot of time, so I don't have much time for other genres of music. If you sing opera regularly, you will get used to it. When you switch to another genre of music, it takes time to adapt and approach... but that doesn't mean I can't sing Vietnamese music anymore. Similarly, many Vietnamese artists, although trained in opera vocal techniques, switch to chamber or semi-classical singing for a long time, and when they sing opera again, they have to spend a lot of time practicing.

Honestly, I feel very sad when people say I can’t sing Vietnamese songs. Because I know very well what my abilities are. Many nights I lie down and cry alone and think a lot. I don’t understand why I sing like that but people still say I can’t sing Vietnamese songs. Are they having some kind of negative feeling towards me?

So have you found an answer or a way to change?

- I think, once people have commented like that, I should think again. Maybe I don't have enough softness, gentleness, and delicacy when singing Vietnamese music. And that means I have to practice to do better. As for singing Vietnamese music, I'm sure I can sing it because I love Vietnamese music so much. Every time I sing Vietnamese music and post it on my personal page, many people still accept it. If I couldn't sing it well, people would have given me direct feedback. I have many friends who studied abroad and couldn't sing Vietnamese music, and the manifestation of not being able to sing Vietnamese music is very different.

I think that maybe I have spent too much time on opera. Now is the time for me to spend more time on Vietnamese music. Trying to practice so that my technique is softer and more in harmony with Vietnamese music.

Of all the music genres, which one is the most difficult for you to access?

- My personality is that if I can't do something, I will definitely not do it. In music genres, I definitely can't sing rock. I always affirm that I can't sing rock even though I've tried to sing it a few times. As for pop music, I still sing well when invited to perform at events or meet with friends.

Sometimes I post Vietnamese songs on my personal Facebook page, and my friends and colleagues are very interested when they hear them. Many people still do not think that a classical opera singer like me can sing both pop and folk music. Of course, I will not be able to sing pure folk songs like the old artists, but I can still sing them. I have also sought out the old artists to teach me how to sing Chau Van in the old way, and I have been able to sing Chau Van melodies with my nose and throat twitching.

I must add that, when participating in the opera "Princess Anio", I had to practice playing the bamboo flute for a scene. When they found out that I was learning the bamboo flute, but learning the transverse flute, everyone said I couldn't learn it because it was very difficult. But I was still determined to practice and assured everyone that I would learn it because I love Vietnamese music, especially folk music. I find that my folk music is extremely good. Each musical instrument, each melody, each genre of folk song... contains extremely unique values. Folk music is also considered the national soul of the country.

When participating in the play "Princess Anio", I noticed that they also combined traditional Japanese music with traditional Vietnamese music to create something new to attract the audience. So why don't I do the same? It's the 5.0 era, I study abroad to bring back good things to create something new, not to follow the old ways.

When you returned from studying abroad, it seemed like it took you quite a long time to figure out your musical path?

- When I returned from studying abroad, I got married and had a child, so I had to stop my music career for a while. I only have one vocal cord, one throat, one voice, so if I didn't pursue music, I wouldn't know what else to do. I was always thinking that I would have to follow my passion for music to the end.

During my time studying abroad, because I was studying opera, I had to practice a lot and had no time to do my own things. For example, singing a foreign Romance or Aria took a whole week to both learn the music and memorize the lyrics. Practicing foreign songs is always more time-consuming than practicing Vietnamese songs. Acting in a musical takes even more time because I have to sing many parts and sequences. For that reason, I did not have much time to invest in a truly elaborate and worthy musical product. I think that is also my sacrifice for opera music.

In the past, when listening to foreign opera singers, I always wondered, "Why can they do such wonderful things that Vietnam can't do?". I kept wondering about that, so even though I'm a very small individual, I still cherish the desire to promote my country's classical music to a higher level.

We are used to distinguishing classical music from non-classical music, but many famous artists in our country come from the classical cradle. Maybe because when they leave the Academy of Music, they sing other genres of music and forget their original cradle, but that does not mean they cannot sing classical music. I will always sing Western classical music and Vietnamese music in parallel. Because I am determined, I am Vietnamese, living in Vietnam but singing Vietnamese music is not good, that is not acceptable. Actually, first I have to sing Vietnamese music well before singing other genres. When I was studying abroad, I never thought that I would have to stay abroad or just sing opera.

Now that you don't perform for a day, how do you practice?

- On a normal day, if I don’t perform, I teach and practice. When I practice, I focus on practicing my breath the most. For me, whether I sing pop music or opera, I need to have a good breath column. I practice my breath first, then practice the open and closed sound positions. For example, when I sing Western music, my voice is always raised and opened. But when I sing Vietnamese music, I always close the resonance part.

Many Vietnamese singers say that to practice their breathing, they have to use many methods, tools, and bend their bodies in many "strange" positions. Do you have to practice that hard?

- When I was studying abroad, I also practiced like that. That is, depending on each student, there are different training methods. As for me, when I practice, I relax my body, only focus on my abdominal muscles to hold my breath and try not to frown when singing. I have many "flaws" that the professor who taught me directly was able to correct, but frowning is something that I cannot correct and no matter how hard I try, I cannot correct. The professor told me: "Well, this has to be accepted, because many opera artists in the world also make this mistake. If you can practice to correct it, that's even better, but if you can't correct it, that's okay. Many people frown when singing but their singing is still wonderful."

When I practice, I usually relax, don’t stretch, don’t tense, don’t make unnecessary movements… because that will create a habit, and when I perform on stage, it will be the same. However, there are also people who have to practice like that to get the feeling, but when they go on stage, they can control and adjust. Many of my classmates were given gym training and opera singing by the professor. She also wore medical gloves and put her hand in her mouth to adjust the sound position for the students.

In the past, when I competed in Sao Mai, I was considered to have quite good technique, but when I went abroad, I had to learn many new things. I had a problem with my tongue being stiff, so I couldn't get all the sound out. And my teacher used to hold my tongue and pull it out. There were some students, the teacher had to put her hand in their mouth because their throats couldn't open. They didn't know how to open it, while opera requires opening it.

Now, I still contact my professor from time to time. She said: "Loan, you are better than me! You can sing both classical and pop music... how can you sing like that?". She said that because she could only sing pure opera. In foreign countries, people love to confide, exchange experiences and are very modest. Our teacher, even though she is a professor and has taught many generations of students, is very modest. She kept saying: "Loan, tell me how to practice singing classical, semi-classical and pop music? How did you feel at that time, how was your throat?". When I shared with her, she said: "That is because God has given you the sensitivity to flexibly adjust your voice, but I can only sing opera and opera and nothing else."

When Dao To Loan returned, there was information that she would teach at the Vocal Department of the Vietnam National Academy of Music, but in the end she joined the Vietnam National Opera and Ballet. Why?

- Maybe I don't meet the requirements to teach at the Vietnam National Academy of Music. However, I still want to perform more when I'm young. I want to have practical experience and exposure so that I can later have more knowledge to teach my students. With opera, my stamina is not as good as other music genres, so I will devote myself to teaching after I have satisfied my passion.

Normally, people who are exposed to Western music from an early age are very modern, liberal, open-minded... However, many people see Dao To Loan as sometimes a bit closed and difficult to approach. Is there something from her family background that makes her like that?

- I had a more special childhood than everyone else and that specialness greatly influenced the formation of my personality. Later, when pursuing music, many people were surprised when they saw that I was a bit cold and unapproachable... but that was not actually the case. Although pursuing art, I lived a somewhat introverted and closed life. My starting point was very difficult so I almost withdrew into my own "mind book".

I never thought I would have the life I have today. From a poor, orphaned girl, with a difficult education... I never dared to dream of becoming a star. Until now, even though I have a bit of a name and a stable life, I still cannot change myself. I am still a girl with something honest, rustic, simple, reserved and introverted. I still like to keep myself as the old person. I think, sometimes those things will make my music better because music comes from the soul.

Understandably, your greatest loss and hurt was having to leave your mother forever since you were a child?

- When my mother passed away, I was still very young but I could clearly feel the sadness. At that time, I just wandered around everywhere, no one cared. There were times when I climbed up to lie on a pile of straw or on the roof and looked up at the sky, thinking about my mother. At that time, in the immature thoughts of a child, I was sure that my mother was in the sky. There were times when my father got drunk, chased me away, and did not let me stay at home, so I wandered to my mother's grave to lie down. One time I fell asleep next to my mother's grave and in my dream I kept hearing someone calling in my ear "Loan... wake up, Loan... wake up and come home", when I woke up it was already dark. I was scared and ran home, crying because I felt sorry for myself and missed my mother.

Now, every time I perform and receive applause from the audience, I always have the habit of looking up. I always think that my mother is up there watching me. Deep down, I always dream and long to meet my mother in my dreams. Every time I think of my mother, I feel like a knife is stabbing my heart. There are times when I stop, tears streaming down my face when I think of my mother. Maybe people have not been in my situation so it will be difficult to fully understand it. But the truth is, every time I think of my mother, my heart aches.

My childhood may have lasted only a few hours, but the days that my sisters and I spent during that terrible childhood were very long. Now, whenever my sisters and I sit down to talk, we all say that we had no childhood.

Anyway, I am grateful for the things I have gained and lost in life. Thanks to those things, Dao To Loan is who she is today. Coming up from hardship, I am always strong and resilient in the face of all challenges and storms in life. When facing many things, I no longer find them difficult or tiring. Perhaps, circumstances have forged me with a will and determination that is a little different from others.

Anyone who comes into the world in a situation like yours always has complexes. How do you face and overcome those complexes?

- Receiving this question, I remember my childhood when I wore pants with holes in the butt. Back then, every time my friends saw me wearing torn pants, they would mock and tease me, making me not dare to play with anyone. I just trudged to class and trudged back. One time, I didn't have enough money to pay the tuition so I had to drop out of school. The teacher found out and came to my house to encourage me and pay the tuition.

Those childhood complexes were like a shield that prevented me from opening up and getting along with everyone. Until now, that complex still haunts me…

People like you find it difficult to integrate into the world around you and people around you find it difficult to approach you. So surely your husband must also have had a hard time winning your heart?

- My husband is my first love. It was fate that we came together. He was my brother-in-law's best friend, so we knew each other since I was young. Whenever my brother-in-law went to flirt with my sister, he often brought his best friend along. And when we met when I was 17, we fell in love at first sight. But of course, before becoming lovers, we also spent some time as friends. He saw that I had a talent for music, so he guided me on this path.

At first, I mainly sang pop music. In the past, my voice was like singer Thu Minh's, even higher. Phuc Tiep and Le Anh Dung were the people who knew me best because we used to sing together. But when I entered the National Academy of Music, I studied classical music. If back then, someone had given me more guidance and I had studied pop music in the army, I would have been able to develop more of my strengths and abilities.

How has your husband supported you to persevere and persevere with opera music - a music genre that is extremely selective of audiences, especially Vietnamese audiences?

- First of all, I have to say, he is the one who brought me to professional art. He not only guided me but also supported me a lot in my studies. Although he only felt through the ears of a normal audience, he gave me a lot of accurate and objective comments. Especially when I participated in Sao Mai contest.

I still remember, at that time I chose the song "In the forest missing you" by the late musician An Thuyen to perform. Musician An Thuyen, who was a member of the jury at that time, commented that I sang this song the best among the singers who had performed it. I felt very happy because the efforts of the two brothers practicing day and night had paid off. He patiently sat and listened to me sing, gave me comments for me to adjust, and that helped me to be more successful when performing this piece.

Even in the past, when I practiced the operas Cô Sao, Lá đỏ…, he always played the role of a loyal audience to give me feedback. He told me that this part of me was not good, that part of me needed to do differently. In my perception, my husband is a person with an artistic soul and a relatively broad knowledge of music. He is also a person with a very good sense of music.

You shared that you fell in love with your husband when you were 17 years old. So why did it take so long for you two to fall in love?

- That means when we first met, he liked me, I also liked him but in a "love is inside but still shy on the outside" kind of way. We both liked each other but didn't dare to say it. It wasn't until two years later that we officially fell in love. At that time, he helped me a lot but because he saw that I was still too young, he didn't want to bring up the issue yet. Later, when we agreed to be lovers, I had to go study abroad in Germany, he still waited for me.

There is a very memorable memory that was when I was studying abroad in Germany, due to the great geographical distance and time zone difference, in order to talk to him, he had to stay up until midnight. Staying up late often made him gaunt and thin… However, he stayed up every day to talk to me. The day I returned home, I saw him but I could not recognize him anymore because he looked so haggard.

We loved each other for 11 years before officially getting married. He knew I was so passionate and loved art so much that he was willing to sacrifice and wait for me.

Is it true that at the first moment of meeting, you fell in love with your husband because he had things that you lacked, that you longed for from your father?

- That's right. In the two years it took to change from friendship to love, he was everything to me. He was like a father, a mother, a friend, a lover. It felt like he always protected, sheltered, and took care of me. At that time, I was only 17-18 years old, and I was from the countryside... so I didn't know anything. He was the one who researched and guided me.

There was a time when we were not on good terms and were planning to break up. But I realized that without him, I felt empty and terribly lost. It was like I had a solid support, but suddenly it was gone, leaving me feeling lost and disoriented. At that moment, I realized that I could not live without him. I would never find a man who loved me with all his heart, cared for me, pampered me, and did so many things for me.

People say that in love, age is sometimes not important, but to keep the fire of marriage, erasing the age boundary is also very necessary. So, how should you and your husband be in harmony so that age is never an obstacle in marriage?

- I am lucky to have met my husband who is humorous, young and loves art. Since we have been married, he has become more attached to music. He composes and is a member of the Vietnam Musicians Association. He also opened a small recording studio at home. What he does makes me realize that he always tries to do everything to get along with me.

Now, he is over 50 years old, and I am only 38… so sometimes we have disagreements due to generational vision. However, in times of tension, we always sit down and talk to each other and he always gives in to me. I see that he tries very hard to get along with me in everything. That is something I always appreciate and am grateful for.

Are you satisfied with the life you have?

- I am quite satisfied with my current life. If we talk about abundance, I don't have it, I just live at a normal level. But if we talk about spirit, I have a lot. Compared to my starting point, I don't dare to dream of anything more. The important thing is that I have married a husband who always supports me in all my passions. I am a very simple person, my biggest wish is just to sing, I don't ask for anything more, so everything is very comfortable for me. I don't need to use branded goods, don't ask for luxury cars, don't ask for villas... I just need to sing and that's enough.

In the past, many people said I was too simple, at first I didn't listen, I just thought that I should live comfortably. But many people gave me advice so I gradually paid more attention to my appearance. I also agree with the view that artists should pay attention to how they dress because if they sing well and are beautiful, they will always be loved more.

It is known that you have 3 sisters. Your mother passed away early, so your sisters took care of you and raised you. So how do you repay your sisters when you are now a famous singer?

- After my mother passed away, my father remarried. My family has 3 sisters but the second sister has been sick since she was a child and is not normal. In the past, when I was studying at the Academy of Music, I had to work a lot to earn money to support my sick sister. My eldest sister and I took turns taking care of this second sister. Now, she has passed away and I also worship her in Hanoi.

If you ask me what I regret the most in life, I would say that my mother died too early. Now that my children are grown up and successful, they want to repay and make up for their mother, but she is no longer there. My eldest sister is also in Hanoi now. We live next to each other. If we move, we will move together because we are now each other's only relatives, we depend on each other to survive.

Perhaps because I lacked motherly love since I was a child, I now have very special feelings for songs about mother-child love. I also feel very emotional when singing the song "Mother loves me" by musician Nguyen Van Ty. Once I performed with artist Dang Duong and when he saw me sing this song on stage, Dang Duong's wife was very moved. That's why in Dang Duong's live show "The Fatherland calls my name" in August 2023, he invited me to sing the song "Mother loves me" again.

Thanks Dao To Loan for sharing the information!

Source: https://danviet.vn/dao-to-loan-cho-den-bay-gio-mac-cam-tuoi-tho-van-deo-bam-toi-20240324224434589.htm