Stressed to the point of illness because of being urged to have children and get married

Sitting packing her luggage to go home to attend her husband's brother's wedding, Nguyen Thi Mai's face (34 years old, in Hai Phong ) clearly showed sadness, mixed with a sigh.

The 34-year-old woman said this is her 7th year as a daughter-in-law and the 5th year she has been tormented by the nightmare of returning to her husband’s hometown. The reason is not economic issues or fear of the long distance, but because after 7 years of marriage, she and her husband have not had any children.

Criticized by her husband's family for not having children, the wife fell into depression. (Illustration photo)

The first two years of marriage, she and her husband's parents were still very harmonious, but from the third year on, every time she returned to her hometown, Mai was so nervous that she broke out in a sweat. She asked everyone she met, some said a few gentle words, others said harshly that she was "a chicken that doesn't know how to lay eggs". Her husband's parents had been waiting for a grandchild for so long that it made them uncomfortable.

Mai and her husband got married at the age of 27. Because of financial concerns, they did not have children for the first two years. In the third year, they wanted to have children but they were still not able to. After a medical examination, they found out that she had very few eggs and that her husband had abnormal sperm. They both sought treatment for many years but had no good news.

"Although the problem was with both of us, everyone blamed me," said Ms. Mai.

Every time her husband's family had something to do, Mai did not dare to return home, asking her husband to represent her while she herself used the excuse of work to stay in Hanoi . On important occasions like her sister's wedding, she could not find an excuse to be absent, and had to return to her hometown. As soon as she set foot in the gate, relatives and neighbors came over to ask about the children. Once, Mai heard neighbors urging her mother-in-law to marry a new wife for her son if she could not give birth.

She wanted to leave immediately, but she was afraid that her husband would have a hard time talking to the neighbors, so she tried to stay calm. " My husband loves me very much. Every time someone talks about having children, he stands up to protect me," said the 34-year-old woman.

Not having children and the fear of having to return to her hometown caused her to lose sleep many nights. There was a time when she thought about escaping so as not to be labeled as a "hen that cannot lay eggs". Many times she went to see a psychologist and had to take medication because she could not sleep.

Ms. Nguyen Minh Thu (33 years old, Thanh Hoa) is afraid because of her hometown because she is not married yet. She is working as a marketing staff for a company in Hanoi, with an income of 25 - 30 million/month. Stable job, good-looking face but she is still not married despite going on blind dates many times.

Her parents always called to urge her to bring her boyfriend home to meet their family, or quit her job and go back to her hometown to get married, otherwise they would disown her. The mental pressure from her parents and the huge workload made Thu lose sleep for many days, and even felt hatred towards her male colleagues. She was worried so she went to see a psychologist.

Many people fall into stress because their families urge them to get married and have children. (Illustration photo)

Master, clinical psychologist Nguyen Hong Bach (MP Institute of Applied and Developmental Psychology, Hanoi) said that he has received many women coming for psychological counseling about their fear of returning to their hometowns due to being urged to have children and get married.

They often come in a state of fatigue, prolonged insomnia, stress, and some people even fall into a state of anxiety disorder.

According to Dr. Bach, pressure and stress, whether at work or in life, affect mental health, causing decreased intelligence, insomnia, fatigue, and irritability, especially when there are many other things to worry about in life.

If not detected and intervened promptly, the person will move to the stage of mental illness such as anxiety disorder, depression. Doctors advise families to understand their children's psychology, encourage them, but not force or urge them to do as they wish, especially in matters of love, husband and children.

Prolonged stress causes many consequences, the least of which is short-term insomnia. When the root cause is resolved and the family is encouraged, the stress will quickly pass. In cases of high stress, without a partner or family to encourage, stress leads to insomnia, irritability, and gradually turns into anxiety, depression, reduced work efficiency, and physical and mental weakness.

"Many people confide that they don't want to go back to their hometowns and go on vacation to avoid the pressure. Some people go back to their hometowns but just stay in their rooms or work in the kitchen to finish their work ," the doctor said.

To reduce stress, experts advise women to see a doctor early for psychological therapy and emotional improvement. Each person needs to put aside their sad and negative emotions and move towards optimistic thinking.

Family members should also listen and respect each other's wishes. Sisters should not isolate themselves or stay alone, but should seek out relatives and friends to share and gain sympathy. Sisters should also combine reading, listening to music, meditation, yoga, and exercise to improve their spirits.

In case the patient shows signs of emotional disorder or severe depression, family members need to take them to the hospital for timely intervention to avoid negative behaviors.

Nguyen Ngoan

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